My Lonely Mind
by Rejhan
Summary: How does one cope when you lose the one that you love? How do you go on with your life when everything around you reminds you of him? Can you be saved, or are you too far gone? Malec one shot. COMPLETE


**My Lonely Mind**

A sudden blast of noise came from the dining room. It sounded like music, and from his place sprawled out on the bed in the curtained darkness, he guessed that it was the radio. Chairman Meow must have used the wall-mounted device as a stepping-stone between the kitchen bench and the table again, continuing his elaborate game of moving through the apartment without touching the floor. The little cat would get as far as a pot plant next to his doorway, and would then sit and meow at him until he came and carried him the rest of the way to the bed. He got up with a sigh, dragging a deep red, plush dressing gown onto his shoulders, and shuffled his way to the door. He glared down at the little cat that was looking up at him pleadingly with his shimmery eyes. He just couldn't say no.

_A hundred days have made me older_

_Since the last time that I saw your pretty face_

_A thousand lies have made me colder_

_And I don't think I can look at this the same_

The words of the song jolted through him. He didn't even know what song it was; just a random radio-friendly tune, and yet it sent a shiver down his spine.

_But all the miles that separate_

_Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face_

Chairman Meow cried out to him as he walked passed him, yet he ignored the little cat. The radio had to be silenced.

_I'm here without you baby_

_But you're still on my lonely mind_

_I think about you baby_

_And I dream about you all the time_

His hand was on the button, fingers shaking as emotion threatened to crash over him. It seemed like lately anything could trigger a rush of feelings and memories that he had fought so hard to keep buried.

_I'm here without you baby_

_But you're still with me in my dreams_

_And tonight it's only you and me_

He forced weight down onto his finger and finally put a stop to the noise. The apartment echoed with the silence that the music had left behind, and he stood for a moment, letting it sink in. Until the pesky little cat meowed at him again, reminding him that he was still waiting in the pot plant for his attention.

"Alright, alright," he sighed, walking over and picking up the little ball of fluff. Chairman Meow purred as he nestled in against the plush dressing gown, creating a little spot of warmth against his chest. He closed his eyes for a second, wishing that it was a different body radiating that warmth, yet it was just an illusion. These days, the only company that he had was the cat. Ever since his lover had been stolen away from him.

He flopped down onto the bed, careful not to crush Chairman Meow, and closed his eyes. The cat curled up at his side, purring like an engine, reminding him that he wasn't completely alone. Yet it still wasn't enough. It would never be enough. His dark hair – still containing remnants of glitter – fell across his eyes, and he let himself sleep, sinking into the blissful realm of dreams.

0.0

"Alec!" Magnus called out, and the teenager turned, showing off those gorgeous blue eyes that he loved so much. The warlock had just gotten out of the shower, and his silk robe was closed around him lazily, barely covering anything. Alec felt the blush warm his face, and then scowled as Magnus noticed. It always amused the warlock when he blushed, and Alec hated that he couldn't control such a reaction.

"Hey," he said, ever the master of conversation. He'd been in the kitchen fixing a snack after being out on a hunt with Jace, and the flamboyant warlock leant across the bench and stole half of his sandwich.

"Blech, pickles and peanut butter?" Magnus asked, raising one glittery eyebrow, and Alec shrugged.

"So don't steal my sandwich then," he countered, happily taking a bite out of the other half.

"I swear, you have the strangest tastes," Magnus said with a sigh, and Alec smirked at him.

"I guess that's why I love you so much."

0.0

He rolled over with a groan, returning to consciousness and disturbing the ball of fluff that was now curled up in the centre of his back. He felt the bite of claws for a moment, and then Chairman Meow jumped down onto the bed as he moved onto his side. The little cat curled up against his chest, settling down once more.

He hated to sleep, and yet he craved it just as bad, for it was within the world of dreams and memory that his lover still lived. He relished in the memories when he was there, and cursed them when he wasn't. It was like dangling candy in front of a child, and then yanking it out of reach every time he tried to jump for it.

Chairman Meow protested when he sat up and moved off of the bed, yet he ignored the indignant cry. He walked to the bathroom and flicked on the light, flinching away from the harsh illumination. Leaning on the sink, he turned the tap on and splashed some water onto his face, watching for a moment as water and glitter fell into the sink. He looked up at his reflection, at his dark hair that always reminded him of his lover's, and let himself indulge in another memory.

0.0

"You should try using a bit of gel, Alec," Magnus said as the pair stood around the bathroom mirror, the warlock sifting through the vast array of bottles and tubs that lined the sink. "And glitter. You can't go wrong with glitter."

Alec rolled his eyes. "I don't need glitter," he said, and then closed his eyes as Magnus sprinkled a pinch of glitter over his head. Shimmering sparkles rained down around him, and Alec glared at the warlock's reflection. Magnus was smiling at him, his kitty cat eyes flashing with delight.

"Everyone needs glitter. The world would be a much better place if everyone sparkled."

"Fine," Alec sighed, not even attempting to argue with his logic. Magnus barely suppressed a squeal, before he set about attacking Alec's hair with gel and glitter. He loved the rare moments when Alec let him tamper with his carefully maintained, 'I don't care' hairdo, and Alec for his part loved the sensation of the warlock's fingers running through his hair.

Magnus smiled as he saw the boy close his eyes, and with well-used practise, he set about creating little glittery spikes out of Alec's black hair.

0.0

He pulled himself out of the memory, knowing that it would only make him feel worse if he continued on. He realised that his hands, where they were pressed against the sink, were trembling, and he pushed away with an angry scowl. Three months on, and he still felt like he would break in two at the mere thought of his lover. He wanted to feel normal again, and yet he was terrified of letting go. The memories were all that he had left.

There was no way that he was going to be able to sleep again, so he grabbed his robe and walked to the lounge room. He had been slowly making his way through the first series of _Get Smart_ on DVD, and a midnight marathon seemed like the perfect thing to occupy his insomnia with.

Yet instead of turning the television on, he stood staring at his lounge room, watching as a scene from the inner theatre of his mind unfolded.

0.0

Magnus was waiting for him when he came home, and Alec was shocked. Not that the warlock was waiting, but _how_ he was waiting.

"Umm, I thought we were going for a picnic?" Alec asked, standing in the doorway.

"We are," Magnus replied. "I just never said that we were going out," he added, before patting the floor next to him.

Alec wandered over slowly, taking a look at the apartment around him. Magnus had closed all of the curtains, blocking out any and all natural light, and had instead filled their home with candles, giving the space a warm golden glow. The couch that usually sat in the centre of the lounge room had been pushed away, and a large rug now covered the floor. There were strawberries, chocolate, and cream laid out, and when he looked at Magnus, Alec noticed that the warlock was only wearing his silk robe.

A lazy smile tugged at his lips, and Alec lowered himself down onto the rug. Magnus's eyes never left him, and the raw need that he saw in his kitty cat eyes made his stomach do back flips.

"Umm, if this is a picnic, shouldn't there be, you know, food?" Alec asked, trying to keep his voice steady.

Magnus shrugged. "I thought that we'd just go straight to dessert," he said, and suddenly the warlock was on top of him, kissing his mouth, his neck, and tickling his ear with his breath. His robe fell open, and Alec's hands kneaded their way down Magnus's back, his hips, and finally his butt.

Alec's clothes vanished without the teenager even being aware of it, and the feel of bare skin against bare skin made his breath catch, and his body tremble.

"I love you," Magnus whispered into his ear, and Alec closed his eyes in pure delight, savouring every sensation. Magnus leant over him as those startling blue eyes opened once more, and a wave of fear crashed through him.

0.0

He shook his head, breathing hard. He didn't want to go there. He wanted to enjoy the memory of that afternoon, and yet the most horrible of all of his memories took place in the very same spot. He didn't want to go there, and yet his mind was already dredging up the heartbreaking sequence of events.

0.0

They laid Alec out of the floor, Magnus using a hasty flick of magic to send the furniture flying. The teenager was staring up at him with terrified blue eyes, and Magnus felt the panic rising in his chest like bile.

"You can save him, right?" Jace demanded, his hands and clothes covered in blood. The blood didn't belong to Alec, but to a warlock that Magnus had annoyed one too many times. Alec wasn't even supposed to be there; he and Jace were supposed to be on the other side of the city, yet the pair of Shadowhunters had somehow caught up to him, and had been dragged into a fight that they should never have been involved in.

"Don't crowd me. I need to think," Magnus snapped as Alec gripped his hand. This was all his fault. Alec had been cursed because of him. After all, how better to hurt Magnus Bane than to hurt the one he loved the most?

"Do something!" Jace yelled as Alec struggled for breath.

"Alec, listen to me," Magnus said, making up his mind. "You're been cursed by the darkest of black magic, and your life force is being sucked away from you. But don't worry, I've lived for over eight hundred years, and I have more than enough life force for the both of us," he explained, before starting the spell that would funnel his life force into Alec. He didn't know how much would be needed to overcome the curse, but he didn't care. He would give everything that he had if it meant that Alec would live.

"Magnus?" Jace asked questioningly as both he and Alec fell silent and still. "Magnus!"

0.0

"Hey! Are you even listening?" The voice belonged to Jace, and as he looked up, the horrible memory faded away, leaving him trembling and clutching his robe around him like a lifeline. He sat down on the couch and stared down at his shaking hands, unable to stop the tremors. Chairman Meow padded his way across the carpet, meowed once at Jace, and then jumped up to sit beside his owner.

Jace sighed as he walked into the apartment. Looking around, he saw that nothing had changed since the last time that he had stopped by. Spider webs were hanging from the ceiling, the cream carpet was turning grey from dust, and several plants had died. The kitchen looked like every single plate, glass, and bowl was sitting either on the bench or in the sink. He didn't even want to know what the bedroom and bathroom looked like, but Jace could imagine that it wasn't pretty.

It had been three months since that day, and at first they had decided to leave him alone, and let him cope in his own way, but looking at his friend now, Jace knew that that had been the wrong thing to do. He wasn't getting any better, and if anything, he was getting worse. Jace didn't know when he had last left the apartment, but the place was starting to smell fairly ripe.

"You can't keep going like this," Jace said, standing in front of his friend. "You're not the only one hurting here, and if you would just let us in, we could help you. Stop pushing us away," he pleaded, yet still he couldn't get any eye contact out of his friend. He couldn't remember the last time that they had spoken. It seemed like a lifetime since Jace had heard his voice.

He didn't talk. He couldn't at that moment. A great wall of emotion was building up and finally spilling over, and great big tears were sliding down his face. He couldn't let Jace see, so he kept his head down, hiding his eyes behind his shaggy black hair. He didn't want him to see him in such a state, and yet there was also the overwhelming fear that Jace would leave, and he'd be alone again. For the first time in three months he didn't want that, but he didn't know how to ask his friend for help.

"Come with me back to the Institute. You can't stay here anymore. It's killing you," Jace said, staring down at his friend with worried golden eyes. The eyes that stared back at him were tear filled and glassy, and the raw emotion made Jace's breath catch. It had been far too long since he had seen any sort of emotion on his friend's face, and it gave him hope that maybe it wasn't too late to help him.

"Can Chairman Meow come with me?" he asked in a quiet and broken voice that hurt Jace to hear, and yet it was also a relief to simply hear him speak at all.

"Sure," he said with a smile. "So long as you let Church know that he can't eat him," he added, and he saw the smallest twitch of his friend's lips as he stood up.

He followed the blonde Shadowhunter to the door, and then turned around to look back at the apartment that he had shared with his lover. He looked back at the lounge room where they had snuggled together on the couch whilst watching re-runs of _Gilligan's Island_, at the kitchen where they had eaten their meals whilst flicking bits at the cat, and at the bedroom where they had spent their most intimate moments together. For half a second he wondered if he was doing the right thing in following after the blonde Shadowhunter, and he almost talked himself out of it altogether.

"Are you coming?" Jace asked, standing with one foot on the down stairs, looking back up at him with almost pleading golden eyes.

"Yeah." He took a deep breath, and then Alec reached out and closed the door.

**The End  
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Author's Note – Inspired by the song _Here Without You_ by Three Doors Down, I wanted to explore the idea of how one would cope if the other died. And I'd really like to know if anyone worked out which one had died before they got to the end, cos I really wanted it to be a surprise. So yeah, please let me know, and even though it's a bit of a depressing story, I hope you liked it, cos I really loved the idea, and loved writing it. So please be kind and review.


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